Already Gone
by Avalon Jane
Summary: A Spencer/Toby one-shot, based when he leaves Rosewood when he thinks she cheated on him. Their thoughts as they deal with being apart. For all those who have been reading Toby's Eyes, I am so anxious to continue it. It literally killing me! Anyway enjoy!


_I was driving quickly. I needed to get out of Rosewood. Spencer didn't want me anymore, and as long as she felt that way, I would never be able to face her. She's everything I've wanted, and then some. I tried hard not to think about what I was doing to her. I knew Wren wasn't dependable, and I as leaving her with him as her only form of protection. But I couldn't think about it. I was already gone. The minute I passed the city limits, my heart ached for Spencer. I wanted nothing more to turn around, and find her waiting for me. But that would never happen. I wouldn't go back, and even if I did, she'd never wait for me. She's found someone else. I almost considered for a second going on as if I didn't know anything about them. But afterwards I realized how messed up it was. I guess I was just desperate to find a way to rekindle my relationship with her. But, as I learned from my experience with Jenna, you can't make something feel right, when you know that it's wrong. I've also learned, from my experience with Spencer, that once you lose your true love, you can't ever love somebody else. Not the same way as you did them. For me, I'll never be able to move on from Spencer. So that's why I left. And I'm never going back. _

I remember everything I wanted to do with him. I wanted to travel, marry, start a family, and so much more. And now I couldn't. He left, but I can't blame him. It's entirely my fault. I pushed him away, and he had no other option. I had no other option. A would've hurt him, and even if it hadn't been my fault, it would've killed me. Every time I got into a relationship, someone would mess it up. My family- especially Melissa, A, even myself sometimes. But what I had with Toby wasn't just a relationship, it was love. I loved him, and I never told him. But I had my reasons. I couldn't bear him hurting me. I trusted him with my life, but I couldn't risk it. I'd been hurt before, in more ways than one, and if he hurt me, I would die. I'd die from knowing he didn't love me like I loved him. That he was just using me. But I know better now. I know that Toby, _my Toby_, would never hurt me. It doesn't matter now though. A did it. A found my weakness; Toby Cavanaugh. And A ripped him away. I should've known A would do this. They'd done this to all the others, why wouldn't they do it to me? I guess we were always meant to say goodbye. And, sadly, we can't change it. No matter how hard we try.

"I was not expecting that." I said.

"Me neither." He replied.

Our first kiss. The first of many. That was, probably, one of the best moments of my life. The most perfect kiss I've ever experienced. After that things were great between us. We fought the suspicions of us being murderers, my family's disapproval, just basic life. But we fought together. And I wouldn't change that for the world. He was so amazing, so perfect. Everything I'd been taught to be. But he was different. For him it was so natural, like he didn't even try. That's the thing, though. Toby didn't have to try. He was, like I said before, perfect in every way. However, perfect couldn't keep our love alive.

_We'd fought, side by side. Standing firm against the world. Her strength and confidence brought me to change. I was stronger now. All because of her, and all for her. She needed someone to lean on, and I was so happy when she'd chosen me. But, even with our fists held high, we couldn't have worked put in the end. So many odds were against us. We weren't meant to be together until the day we die, but that didn't stop us. We knew that it would end, but we didn't care. And I can honestly day I'm glad. I'd rather have that much time with her, than none at all. _

"Look, I've found a way to survive my secrets, but everyone I care about gets hurt. And you deserve to be with someone who can be honest with you, so I'm sorry." I said before running out of his truck. I wasn't sure if he'd said anything after. Even if I had stayed, I would never have heard anything over my sobs. My ears and heart were pounding, and my head ached so badly. I'd never experienced so much pain over losing someone before. Proof of how much I loved him. But I'd been weak. I'd given in to my feelings and gone against A's wishes, putting his life in danger. I'd been so selfish and I almost lost him. So I had to lie. I had to tell him that I'd cheated on him with Wren, which was kind of true. I'd kissed him, yes, but I was out of my mind drunk and hurting and he didn't exactly do the right thing and stop me. I'm just glad he'd come to his senses and stopped it before I went too far. I couldn't lie to Toby though. So, even though she was his best friend, I had Emily do it for me. I'm not sure how he took it. Emily never specified and I'm relieved for that. I wish I could just tell him everything, but that would be too dangerous. I loved him so much. I love him enough to let him go, no matter how much pain it brings me.

_I wanted her to know I loved her. And I hope she did. No matter what she goes through for the rest of her life. I want her to know I love her so, so, much. AndI want her to know that she couldn't have loved me any better. Her love was perfection, and so was she. That's why this is so hard. It doesn't matter where I go, as long as I stay away from her. I couldn't cause that much trouble for her. My only fear is that I was causing trouble, and guilt, for her by leaving. I guess I'll never know. Somebody had to go, and I wasn't going to make her do this. She had a life to live in Rosewood, I didn't. So I left, before she even had the chance to contemplate doing the same._

I remember last night. I'd gone to the hospital with Emily to see him. I'd wanted to tell him the lie then and there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Looking at him through the glass window of his room. His face, so beautiful and peaceful. I couldn't look at him any longer, it made everything harder. But it also gave me some relief. I knew that, just by being himself, Toby would find someone else who wouldn't hurt him like me. I didn't want to hurt him, but once I started, A wouldn't let me stop. I never wanted us to end like this.

I was sitting in my room moping. I didn't really know what to do with myself, and I couldn't stop thinking about Toby. That's when I eyed my journal. I grabbed a pen and opened it to a new page, and wrote:

**Dear Toby, **

**I want you to know that I love you. Nothing will ever change that. But it just isn't meant to be. There's so much pulling us apart that I'm surprised we've lasted this long. I couldn't bear to tell you what Emily said. And I'm sorry for any pain or discomfort I've caused you by doing so. Please know that you treated me so well. When I was with you, I'd never felt more loved. But we can't keep this up anymore. I love you, and I'm sorry. **

** ,Spencer **

I shut my journal. knowing he'd never read my letter brought me sadness and relief. But I was glad I'd gotten that out. Now I could focus on other things. Hopefully.

_I'd wanted to do so much with Spencer. I wanted to take her to Paris, where she'd always dreamed of going in the spring, propose to her there, but not in some cliche way, which she'd hate, and take her back to Rosewood where we'd live until I'd built us a house. That's how it was supposed to have worked, but it didn't. Because it couldn't. Because we were always meant to end this way. I got to a motel about twenty miles out of Rosewood, figuring it was late, and I should sleep. When I got in the room, I found a notepad and pen on the bedside table. I don't know why, but I suppose I acted on impulse and took a piece of paper and the pen and sat down and wrote: _

**_Dear Spencer, _**

**_I love you, I want you to know that. I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused and I hope you'll find happiness with Wren. Emily told me everything, and I'm glad you have found love. I've left Rosewood, and I suspect that you've read my note that I left in the truck for you. Please know that I'm not angry. I just wanted to give you two the space to breathe. The time we spent together was amazing and you couldn't have treated me better. Thank you, I love you, and I'm sorry. _**

**_ ,Toby _**

_I knew she'd never read it, so I poured out everything that I would tell to her face. I wouldn't try to make Spencer regret her choice. I love her, and I had to support her decisions. No matter how much hurt it caused me._


End file.
